(warning: contains ALL the spoilers for this episode)
Preface: On Bachelor nights, sometimes (okay, most of the time), Kristy and I go to Menchie’s, bring home our frozen yogurt, freeze it for a few hours, and eat it while we watch quality television programming. So, that’s what we did. However, as Kristy was loading marshmallows on the top of her yogurt cup, she knocked the entire cup over. I walked over to her and found her hurriedly scooping up the felled toppings and whispering, “be cool! be cool!” maniacally to herself as she replaced them into the cup.
As the opening credits for The Bachelor ran, Kristy looked at me and said, “I think I’m hungry – have you ever felt that?” A spoonful of frozen yogurt topped with Reese’s was halfway to my mouth as I said, “Um, rude,” and continued to shovel it into my mouth.
We join this episode midway through the previous episode; it begins with Ben taking Olivia away from the group and questioning her about what the other women had been saying about her. She immediately says that she can’t relate to the girls because she likes reading books in her room and “thinking. That’s what I do.” …. Okay, Olivia. Okay. Cut to the girls speculating on Ben sending Olivia home. Cut back to Olivia bashing the girls for liking to paint their nails. Cut to the girls hoping and praying for Olivia’s departure. Cut back to Olivia crying, saying that she likes to smile and be nice. Ben walks back to the group, Olivia in hand, and the girls are ME in this moment.
“I don’t know what he sees in her that we don’t see.” – Jennifer
“WHAT THE FUCK. HOW IS HE FALLING FOR THIS ACT OF HERS? HER TEARS ARE FAKE AS FUCK!” – Emily (correct reaction, Emily. Correct).
Blah blah, rose ceremony. Girls get roses. Also…Leah… I don’t even know Leah. She has flown under the radar this whole time. But, she gets a rose. I like her braid. Emily gets the last rose, and that means Jennifer is going home. Any chance of “Bennifer” is now destroyed. Oh well, the original Bennifer didn’t last either.
The previews for what’s coming up after this commercial break is just close-ups of every single girl crying and Olivia smirking with her enormous mouth on the beach. I finish off my Menchies as we wait.
They are all headed to the Bahamas, and in true Bachelor style, they shamelessly plug the name of the hotel. The Olivia cloud continues to linger over the girls.
Chris shows up – 3 dates… 1 on 1. Group Date. 2 on 1.
Caila gets the 1 on 1. Caila’s so adorable I can’t even handle it. Leah’s mad that Caila’s gotten another 1 on 1 and she hasn’t gotten a 1 on 1 yet. Understandable. Ben comes in the room, and is completely oblivious that Leah is almost crying next to him.
On their 1 on 1, Caila feels like the “luckiest girl in the world”. First time that’s even been said on The Bachelor. Ben makes Caila kiss a live fish that they just caught. Interspersed with clips of Leah crying.
Cut to Caila’s nighttime date. They are surrounded by somewhere between 82 and 7,314 lanterns. Ben is scared that Caila smiles too much. “So, you smile a lot.” – Ben. Observant, Ben.
Caila feels like she’s put on the spot. She doesn’t want to cry on command. Fair enough, Caila. Ben backtracks and tells her that she doesn’t need to cry. Caila, out of nowhere says, “I feel like I love you. But, I don’t know why I can’t… share…. Maybe it’s just that I’m not ready. I feel like my greatest fear is that I can’t, totally completely fall in love with somebody.”
Cut to hotel. Group date card is here. It’s…… Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H, and Leah. That means that Olivia and Emily get the 2 on 1.
Olivia says some more cocky shit and then says that Emily is “just young”. Olivia is 23. Emily… is… 23.
Cut back to Caila and Ben’s date. Caila is confusing Ben. Caila is confusing Caila. “I feel understood when I’m with you. I feel like that’s what I want in life.” – Caila, to Ben. This is cute. Caila is cute. Ben is cute. So much cute. Let’s get back to the crazy. This is too touching. (Kristy, for the record, is confused as hellllll. “Did that make sense to you? What? I’m so confused.”)
The preview for after the commercial break is of Lauren B. crying. Oh, HELL no. HELLLLLL NO. You don’t make woodland creatures cry.
Group date time. Ben wants to do something “light” with the girls, so he takes them on a boat ride. The water is a little choppy, and Becca says to the camera, “The water is unpredictable. We are in the Bahamas. You know what else is unpredictable? Sharks.” Becca, I love you.
Oh, what the hell? There are pigs swimming in this water. Ben announces the pigs to the ladies by saying, “Welcome to Paradise.” Ohhh…Ben, you are so confused.
“I never thought in a million years that I’d be swimming with pigs in the Bahamas.” – Good, Amanda. Good. That’s not something you should hope for.
Now the women and Ben are just surrounded by what appears to be about 200 feral pigs. The Bachelor. Dude, come on Chris Harrison. COME ON.
JoJo is getting taken DOWN by these pigs. They are relentless. Ben thinks this is a good time. These girls are terrified, and/or disgusted. Ben is oblivious.
Little babby bunny Lauren B. grabs Ben and pulls him into the water to have some 1 on 1 time. The other girls are holding pigs, watching Lauren B. and Ben.
Ben is confused about why everything seems to be going wrong. Pigs, Ben. Pigs.
Leah confronts Ben about the lack of the 1 on 1 date. Pigs are squealing in the background. Ben is defending his choice and wants her to make the most of the group date. They hug. She walks away and takes a stroll on the beach with three large pigs, unsatisfied with his answer. And probably the pigs.
It’s the evening portion of the group date.
Ben grabs Becca first for some 1 on 1 time. Ben says that he feels like Becca was standoffish during the afternoon. Becca says that she was intimidated by his relationship with Lauren B. Becca says the good news is that she feels this way because she really, really likes him. They kiss. I see a lot of Becca’s tongue. Unnecessary.
Amanda’s up. Ben tells her he likes her. Ben says it’s hard for him to prove his feelings during the day, but he can prove it during the night…. uh.. okay. They kiss. I see more tongue.
Cut back to the hotel. The 2 on 1 date card shows up. It is, indeed, Olivia and Emily. “Two Women. One Rose. One Stays. One Goes.” My God, Chris Harrison is such a poet.
Ugh, Olivia is the worst. She spews more nonsense about Emily’s immaturity. I throw up a little. We cut back to the group date.
Leah pulls Ben aside. She alludes to drama in the house and calls out Lauren B. for being a different person in the house than she is with Ben. I am very confused by this. Lauren B. is the hoppingest little forest bunny. Ben brings this up to Lauren, she’s confused. She doesn’t defend herself, because she doesn’t have to. She returns to the couch, still confused, and starts crying. She tells the girls, and Leah denies saying anything to Ben. She continues lying, Lauren continues crying. YOU LEAVE THE BUNNY ALONE, YOU TERRIBLE PERSON.
Amanda gets the group date rose, and Leah says to the camera that she’s going to have to do something more extreme. Cut to Emily, Amanda, and Lauren B. in bed – Amanda is stoking Emily’s forearm very tenderly as they figure out that it was Leah who told Ben about Lauren B. and just think she’s insecure about the strong connection Lauren B. and Ben have. Spot on, ladies.
Leah sneaks out of the hotel room and knocks on Ben’s door. Cut to commercial.
Ben answers the door, surprised. He seems excited to see her. He pours them gigantic glasses of wine and they sit on the couch. Leah starts talking trash about Lauren again. She sits on the couch with Ben and lies and lies and lies and lies. Bring those pigs back and let them attack her.
Ben starts to realize that Leah is not the right person for him. He says there is a disconnect between them. Ben tells her that something doesn’t feel right and that it would be best if they said goodbye.
Cut to Leah interviewing: “I never would have said anything if I knew he was going to say goodbye to me tonight. I feel foolish, but I think Ben is the fool for letting me go.” #respectfullydisagree
Olivia’s getting ready for the 2 on 1 date with her “husband.” Make it stop. I need Olivia to be gone immediately.
Ben takes the two women on the windiest, most overcast boat ride in Bachelor history. The three of them sit awkwardly on the beach until Ben takes Olivia for some 1 on 1 time. Olivia tells the camera that her and Ben’s “love” is one of a kind. #nope.
Emily tells the cameras that she hopes Olivia is digging a hole for herself. Cut to Olivia, digging a hole for herself. Olivia tells him that she is the most amazing person. She loves politics; politics are her “jam.” As are other intellectual things. She then tells Ben that she’s in love with him. Gross.
Ben says he is glad she is able to open up. I, however, am not.
Ben takes Emily for her 1 on 1 time. Emily is cute and genuine and tells him that she’s ready to fall, but wants this to be the beginning of a new chapter of their relationship. Ben looks completely at ease with her, and he brushes her hair back when the wind picks up. They walk back together and the three of them once again sit awkwardly on a picnic blanket clearly made for two people.
He asks Olivia to follow him once more, and Emily looks devastated that Olivia is going to get the rose.
(At this point, Stephen walks down the stairs at our house.
Stephen: “Is it bedtime yet?”
Kristy: “It’s about to go down on the Bachelor!”
Stephen: “You’re about to go down on the Bachelor?!”
Kristy says, “No! It’s a 2 on 1!”
Stephen: “It’s a 2 on 1 and they are going down on the Bachelor?! What are you watching?!”)
Ben tells Olivia that he is not able to reciprocate her feelings and that he is going to have to say goodbye to her.
(PRAISE THE LORD)
Ben leaves Olivia on the beach alone and walks back to Emily with the rose. He offers her the rose, and she accepts it instantaneously. Cut to Olivia, getting pelted by ocean spray and looking dejected.
Cut back to the hotel. Olivia’s bag is wheeled out of the room and the girls all sigh in relief.
Cut back to Olivia watching Ben and Emily ride away on the boat, leaving her behind to fend for herself.
Kristy: “Is she in quicksand?” (Pretty sure it’s regular sand).
We rejoin the episode with Ben walking along the shore. It looks like he’s going to jump off a short cliff and end it all, but I think he realizes it’s only 2 feet tall and decides to soldier on.
Lauren B. is nervous and thinks Ben may send her home. NO, BUNNY. STAY STRONG.
Chris Harrison walks into the room to inform the ladies that Ben will not be holding a cocktail party, and they will go straight to the rose ceremony. It looks like all these women have just been told that their puppies have been killed or their holographic Pokémon cards have all been set on fire. They take turns crying into the camera and letting us know that they are terrified.
My prediction is that Lauren H. is going home. We’ll see.
First rose goes to Becca. Becca looks flawless as usual and accepts the rose. Second rose goes to JoJo. She also accepts. There is only one rose left. It’s between the Laurens. H or B, Ben? H or B? Don’t mess up the initial.
Lauren B. gets the rose and accepts. I audibly gasped, “Oh thank goodness!” as the little baby bunny gave Ben a little baby bunny hug.
Ben walks Lauren H. out, they exchange a few last words, and that’s it. Lauren doesn’t know why she wasn’t the one for him, and cries in the limo. Ben looks sad outside the hotel, watching her being driven away.
The preview for the rest of the season is a montage of every single person crying, and then a lot of making out. Just like every other preview in Bachelor history. And then OH MY GOD BEN WHAT. WHY ARE YOU PROPOSING OVER THE PHONE WHAT IS GOING ON THERES SO MUCH CRYING AND WHY ARE YOU SAD AND I NEED TO KNOW NOOOOWWWWWW.
‘Til next time.
What a night! Hot chicks, pigs, blue water, and a 2 on 1. All last night needed was a quesadilla and you would be in heaven.
I had a quesadilla!!