This episode begins with Ben gazing longingly into the ocean, because it’s The Bachelor. We find out he’s on his first of four hometown dates, and he’s on his way to meet Amanda. Kristy and I missed almost the entire conversation with Amanda because we were debating how her shirt was staying on. There didn’t appear to be any straps, but there were sleeves that were not on her shoulders and started around the elbows, and perhaps a zipper involved somewhere? We never did figure it out, so if someone has a skematic or something…. holla at us.
Ben cries for the first of approximately 847 times this episode. This time it’s because Amanda is reunited with her kids. It’s pretty cute, I’ll admit. We are once again distracted though, because all of Ben’s clothes look like toddler sizes. Did the producers do his laundry for him and shrink all his clothes? His shorts are so, so short. Amanda, on the other hand, looks like she is wearing the last two items of clothing she has before she has to do laundry again. We really can’t figure out her outfit. Still.
Ben runs around with the kids, and he’s great with them. They chase birds like you do on all good dates. At one point, Ben has an adorable exchange with one of Amanda’s daughters:
“You go to my house?” – mini Amanda
“Yeah, is that alright?” – Ben
“… Yeah.” – mini Amanda
They then go visit Amanda’s parents and it’s exceedingly boring. They have the exact conversation you would expect the parents of a woman with young children to have with the man she and 24 other women have been dating for 6 weeks. Use your imagination, and let’s move on.
Ben’s second date is with Snow White’s woodland sidekick, Lauren. She’s cuter than ever as she takes Ben around Portland to see the sights and eat at food trucks. They make a romantic stop at the Multnomah Whiskey Library and Lauren tells the camera that she wants to tell Ben she’s in love with him, but wants her family’s approval first.
Lauren’s sister pulls Ben aside. Ben cries.
Seriously, Lauren is DYING to tell someone she loves Ben. Please reference the following exchange:
“Do you feel like you and Ben are truly compatible?” – Lauren’s sister
“Are you asking if I’m in love with Ben?” – Lauren
Uh, no, bunny face. Not at all. Stephen chimes in at this point from the kitchen:
“What did you have for lunch today?”
“ARE YOU ASKING IF I’M IN LOVE WITH BEN?”
Blah blah dinner dinner talking talking. Lauren lets Ben leave without telling him she loves her.
Caila’s hometown is the most boring of them all. She takes Ben to her old high school and they sit on the “couples bench” and make out. They then go to a toy factory that her dad is the CEO of and they design and build a toy house that they are apparently going to live in after they get married. Seems impractical.
Ben has dinner with the family, and in a strange twist of events, doesn’t cry! Caila cries though, as she tells her parents that she thinks Ben is the one. That’s seriously the end of this date. She doesn’t tell Ben she loves him either. These girls are 0 for 3 in the communication department.
Ahhh yes. JoJo. This is what I was waiting for.
JoJo’s date starts off with her waiting for Ben, and getting a letter from an ex-boyfriend proclaiming his true love for her. She starts reading it, so ahppy, thinking it’s from Ben. But SPOILER ALERT IT’S CHAD. WHO’S CHAD? DAMN IT CHAD ITS TOO LATE.
Ben arrives to a teary-eyed JoJo, and Ben, VERY ASTUTELY, realizes something is amiss. Nothing gets past you, Ben! She explains her situation and he looks about as uncomfortable as humanly possible, but he manages to position his face into a semi-smile and comfort JoJo.
They head to JoJo’s family’s house, and apparently JoJo is a Kardashian. This house is ENORMOUS. Her brothers immediately seem like THE WORST. (Turns out, they are).
JoJo tells her mom that she’s afraid of getting hurt, and JoJo’s mom responds, “You’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful,” which seems like a non-sequitur, or JoJo’s mom is severely misinformed about the nature of The Bachelor.
Ben has a very awkward conversation with JoJo’s brothers, which then extends to a conversation with the entire family in the kitchen. They tell Ben that he is brainwashing all these women and taking advantage of his position of power. Seriously….. where the hell is JoJo? Literally everyone in Dallas is in this kitchen right now, but JoJo is nowhere to be found while this ambush is occurring. Ben tears up while he tells the camera he isn’t evil and JoJo says goodbye to Ben without telling him that she loves him. 0 for 4.
It’s now time for the rose ceremony and it seems pretty obvious how this will go. Baby bunny gets the first rose, and the next goes to Caila. It’s now between JoJo and Amanda, and JoJo ends up getting the final rose.
Ben walks Amanda out and they have a surprisingly mature conversation, and Amanda is very graceful. She breaks down in the limo, and Ben breaks down while attempting to do an on-camera interview about Amanda’s exit.
They promo the next few episodes of the show, and perhaps the best part of the entire episode is the bonus clip at the end. We get taken back to a cut clip of Ben talking to BunnyHead’s teenage brothers, and they question Ben about the fantasy suite. Ben squirms and doesn’t know how to answer, stammering and stuttering while the two boys are grinning and clearly enjoying this torture. “I would never… put your sister in a position…… that is degrading to her at all.” Cut to black.
So next week is tropical dates and fantasy suites – should be a good one.